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Zach Bryan Outsells the Wolverines, Michigan Stadium Rebrands as Concert Venue
Michigan Stadium officials breathed a collective sigh of relief this weekend when a guy with a guitar and a donated cowboy hat finally packed the place instead of bleary-eyed college kids. With the Wolverines lounging through a bye week and the turf missing half its usual herd of oversized athletes, campus brass realized the Big…
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Crimson Tikes Mandate Goat Sacrifice and Conch Shell Blasts Before Kickoff
Local Bama athletics guru Anthony Sisco insists there’s only one way to truly appreciate the Tide: by picturing every player, coach and waterboy as pint-sized superstition junkies—aka the Crimson Tikes. According to this visionary, no crimson helmet is complete without its monthly aerosol anointing and chant of “Roll Tide” in pig Latin. Sisco’s “Toddler Theory”…
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Virginia Tech Uncovers Magical $108M for Athletics—Students Still Ramen-Fueled
Virginia Tech’s athletic department is about to bust out the champagne—or more realistically, the electrolyte-infused sports drinks—after being handed a bloodstream injection of $108 million. That jaw-dropping cash infusion inflates next year’s budget to an eye-popping $190 million, more than enough to outfit every player in anti-gravity cleats and Wi-Fi-enabled mouthguards. Expected upgrades include a…