Progrums

At Wednesday’s media scrum, James Djonkam stormed the podium wielding nothing but sheer confidence and a questionable playbook filled with stick-figure doodles. He assured reporters he’d totally forgotten how to sack quarterbacks over the off week, preferring instead to practice his field-goal formations in front of a mirror. When pressed on his Week 3 strategies,…

Virginia Tech’s prized wide receiver, Tucker Holloway, convened what can only be described as the most eyebrow-raising press conference of the season on Wednesday, Sept. 10. Sporting fresh cleats and an inexplicable fondness for water bottles, Holloway dazzled reporters with his revelations: Wednesday is “basically the apex of the week,” he announced, suggesting that Week…

In a stunning display of synchronized faceplants, the Hokies treated Lane Stadium like a slip-and-slide in their home opener, providing fans with a masterclass in how not to play football. Offense turned the ball over faster than a cafeteria line at lunch, while the defense seemed to specialize in “open invitation” coverage. Special teams? Call…

On Tuesday afternoon, coach Brent Pry finally surfaced from his bunker of optimism to deliver life-altering news: his players—shockingly—remain mostly intact. Bleary-eyed reporters, primed for dire prognoses, instead learned that the only thing suffering a sprain was their suspense. The sophomore wideout? A “nuisance bruise.” The star linebacker? Ridiculously game-ready. Wednesday’s encore brought an identical…

At a Wednesday media session that felt part therapy, part comedy roast, Virginia Tech’s tight ends coach Brent Davis unleashed everything—short of actual X’s and O’s. He detailed his snack-time rituals (maple-glazed donuts, obviously), confessed a lifelong fear of traffic cones, and even hinted at plans to install a disco ball in the practice facility…

Local legend Brent Pry strutted into Blacksburg with a 20-10 halftime swagger against Vanderbilt, only to discover his defense had taken an impromptu field trip. In the second half, the Commodores racked up 34 points like they were collecting Pokémon cards, leaving Pry’s squad wondering whether they’d accidentally signed up for a volleyball match. Meanwhile,…

On Wednesday, Brent Pry convened the sacred ritual of coach-speak, a 17-minute odyssey through buzzword bingo. He blessed reporters with pearls like “embracing the process” and “evolving weekly,” before unveiling his secret game plan: tell players to “stay hungry” and hope the other team forgets how to play. When asked about the Week 3 opponent,…

Virginia Tech, fresh off a brain-melting 0-2 kickoff, has turned halftime adjustments into a high-stakes séance. Coaches convene with ghostly visions of past glories, hoping Frank Beamer himself will whisper the secret play call nobody’s ever used. Meanwhile, fans in Blacksburg have begun staging “sit-ins” at concession stands, insisting they’ll only stand up if the…

In Blacksburg, panic sells more tickets than hope. After two crushing defeats, Hokie Nation has pivoted from cheers to desperate chants of “please, anything!” Head coach Justin Fuente reportedly scrawled “Win Game” on a massive whiteboard, alarming art teachers statewide. Meanwhile Old Dominion, fresh off mediocrity, arrives convinced that winning’s about execution—something Tech is still…

In week two, Virginia Tech performed what experts are calling the most spectacular nosedive since Icarus. After managing a lower win percentage than Wake Forest (yes, Wake Forest), Clemson, and that mysterious team “SM” whose stadium Google Maps still can’t locate, the Hokies slid so far down the ACC power rankings host sites had to…