In a development that’s stunned absolutely nobody paying attention since 2021, Virginia Tech has finally told Coach Brent Pry it’s time to clear out his office. Following a soul-crushing defeat to Old Dominion—the kind of loss that makes fans wonder if the team even bothered to show up—Pry’s 16-24 record was deemed insufficient for those…

After word broke that Virginia Tech was planning to show Brent Pry the door, fans apparently decided that a single coaching change is the cure for everything, ever. Twitter erupted with suggestions ranging from hiring a Super Bowl–winning AI to replacing the field turf with an inflatable bounce castle to boost morale. One die-hard alum…

In a shockingly predictable move, Virginia Tech is gearing up to show Head Coach Brent Pry the exit door after he masterfully piloted the Hokies to a flawless 0-3 record to open the 2025 season. Sources say the administration applauded Pry’s commitment to consistency—nobody else could lose three straight games in such dramatic fashion. In…

Renowned gridiron soothsayer Thomas Hughes has gazed into the swirling smoke of the end zone to forecast Saturday’s Hokies-versus-Old Dominion showdown. First prophecy: Virginia Tech will execute an onside kick so surgically flawless even Google Maps fails to recalibrate. Next vision: Lane Stadium’s decibel blast will breach supersonic levels, forcing ODU’s marching band into interpretive…

Virginia Tech’s defense has apparently been ordered to stock up on extra knee pads, adult diapers, and emotional support puppies ahead of this Saturday’s showdown with Old Dominion. Sources say the Hokies are even considering renting a bunker beneath Lane Stadium for when the ODU offense inevitably storms the field. Rumor has it the Monarchs…

Hokies wake up each morning staring fiercely at their own reflection, hoping to look more like victors and less like contestants in a prolonged participation award ceremony. First order of business: locate the mythical “W” that coaches claim exists somewhere past the student section. Rumor has it you might find it wedged between the concession…

At Wednesday’s media scrum, James Djonkam stormed the podium wielding nothing but sheer confidence and a questionable playbook filled with stick-figure doodles. He assured reporters he’d totally forgotten how to sack quarterbacks over the off week, preferring instead to practice his field-goal formations in front of a mirror. When pressed on his Week 3 strategies,…

Virginia Tech’s prized wide receiver, Tucker Holloway, convened what can only be described as the most eyebrow-raising press conference of the season on Wednesday, Sept. 10. Sporting fresh cleats and an inexplicable fondness for water bottles, Holloway dazzled reporters with his revelations: Wednesday is “basically the apex of the week,” he announced, suggesting that Week…

In a stunning display of synchronized faceplants, the Hokies treated Lane Stadium like a slip-and-slide in their home opener, providing fans with a masterclass in how not to play football. Offense turned the ball over faster than a cafeteria line at lunch, while the defense seemed to specialize in “open invitation” coverage. Special teams? Call…

On Tuesday afternoon, coach Brent Pry finally surfaced from his bunker of optimism to deliver life-altering news: his players—shockingly—remain mostly intact. Bleary-eyed reporters, primed for dire prognoses, instead learned that the only thing suffering a sprain was their suspense. The sophomore wideout? A “nuisance bruise.” The star linebacker? Ridiculously game-ready. Wednesday’s encore brought an identical…