The year is 2024, the Brent Pry era has dawned, and Virginia Tech’s roster has its first “oh no” moment: junior defensive back Dante Lovett has reportedly vaulted headfirst into the mystical Transfer Portal. Sources say Lovett was simply trying to snag a late-night snack at the student union when he misread the QR code…

Virginia Tech officials have reportedly consulted with NASA, a Hollywood effects studio, and an overly enthusiastic marching band to craft the ultimate pitch for South Carolina’s head coach, Shane Beamer. Sources say Hokie fans are fundraising for a “Buy Shane a Farm” campaign, while campus flyers advertise free hugs from the entire defensive line if…

Now that head coach Brent Pry has been escorted off campus faster than a freshman sneaking in ramen noodles, Virginia Tech has thrown open the grand old celebration of self-eviction: the monthly Transfer Portal Bash. For the next thirty days, every wide receiver, linebacker, and fourth-string punter can waltz out of Lane Stadium carrying a…

In a move that stunned absolutely no one who watched the 2025 season’s opening three games, Virginia Tech has listed its head coaching position on Craigslist right next to a slightly dented lawnmower. Brent Pry, the unlucky soul who suffered a brutal 0-3 start and limped to a 16-24 overall record, was politely escorted to…

In what can only be described as a minor miracle of professional development, former Virginia Tech speedster Bhayshul Tuten somehow decoded the NFL playbook by Week 2 and deposited his inaugural touchdown into the record books. Teammates, who’d been saving celebratory high-fives since training camp, unleashed the full force of their pent-up excitement as fans…

Virginia Tech football has officially unearthed what experts are calling “the most extreme athletic trough in recorded history.” Coaches, convinced they’d hit the bottom, are now furiously Googling “Can you dig deeper?” Fans have begun holding vigils in the parking lot, lighting candles shaped like turnover chains. Players reportedly sleepwalk onto the field each Saturday,…

Virginia Tech’s latest strategy meeting apparently involved shaking a Magic 8-Ball labeled “Good Idea?” because within hours of giving Brent Pry the old heave-ho, their prized recruit hit the eject button on his Hokie pledge. Sources say the commit woke up to a thrilling new life goal: exploring other campuses like he’s swiping through a…

Virginia Tech has officially swiped left on Brent Pry, ending their tumultuous “relationship” with the man who promised a championship-worthy cuddle but delivered nothing more than a 45-26 record to clog the bedroom drawers. Pry’s tenure reportedly suffered from a lack of bedroom chemistry—aka wins—and an annoying habit of forgetting where he left his playbook.…

In a move that’s surely to be immortalized on fridge magnets, Virginia Tech has assembled a blockbuster lineup of 10 head-coach hopefuls for the 2026 season—because who better than a rotating carousel of strangers, each with their own playbook and questionable snack preferences, to guide the Hokies? Rumor has it the wishlist includes a retired…

In a development that’s stunned absolutely nobody paying attention since 2021, Virginia Tech has finally told Coach Brent Pry it’s time to clear out his office. Following a soul-crushing defeat to Old Dominion—the kind of loss that makes fans wonder if the team even bothered to show up—Pry’s 16-24 record was deemed insufficient for those…