Progrums

In what can only be described as a minor miracle of professional development, former Virginia Tech speedster Bhayshul Tuten somehow decoded the NFL playbook by Week 2 and deposited his inaugural touchdown into the record books. Teammates, who’d been saving celebratory high-fives since training camp, unleashed the full force of their pent-up excitement as fans…

Virginia Tech football has officially unearthed what experts are calling “the most extreme athletic trough in recorded history.” Coaches, convinced they’d hit the bottom, are now furiously Googling “Can you dig deeper?” Fans have begun holding vigils in the parking lot, lighting candles shaped like turnover chains. Players reportedly sleepwalk onto the field each Saturday,…

Virginia Tech’s latest strategy meeting apparently involved shaking a Magic 8-Ball labeled “Good Idea?” because within hours of giving Brent Pry the old heave-ho, their prized recruit hit the eject button on his Hokie pledge. Sources say the commit woke up to a thrilling new life goal: exploring other campuses like he’s swiping through a…

Virginia Tech has officially swiped left on Brent Pry, ending their tumultuous “relationship” with the man who promised a championship-worthy cuddle but delivered nothing more than a 45-26 record to clog the bedroom drawers. Pry’s tenure reportedly suffered from a lack of bedroom chemistry—aka wins—and an annoying habit of forgetting where he left his playbook.…

In a move that’s surely to be immortalized on fridge magnets, Virginia Tech has assembled a blockbuster lineup of 10 head-coach hopefuls for the 2026 season—because who better than a rotating carousel of strangers, each with their own playbook and questionable snack preferences, to guide the Hokies? Rumor has it the wishlist includes a retired…

In a development that’s stunned absolutely nobody paying attention since 2021, Virginia Tech has finally told Coach Brent Pry it’s time to clear out his office. Following a soul-crushing defeat to Old Dominion—the kind of loss that makes fans wonder if the team even bothered to show up—Pry’s 16-24 record was deemed insufficient for those…

After word broke that Virginia Tech was planning to show Brent Pry the door, fans apparently decided that a single coaching change is the cure for everything, ever. Twitter erupted with suggestions ranging from hiring a Super Bowl–winning AI to replacing the field turf with an inflatable bounce castle to boost morale. One die-hard alum…

In a shockingly predictable move, Virginia Tech is gearing up to show Head Coach Brent Pry the exit door after he masterfully piloted the Hokies to a flawless 0-3 record to open the 2025 season. Sources say the administration applauded Pry’s commitment to consistency—nobody else could lose three straight games in such dramatic fashion. In…

Renowned gridiron soothsayer Thomas Hughes has gazed into the swirling smoke of the end zone to forecast Saturday’s Hokies-versus-Old Dominion showdown. First prophecy: Virginia Tech will execute an onside kick so surgically flawless even Google Maps fails to recalibrate. Next vision: Lane Stadium’s decibel blast will breach supersonic levels, forcing ODU’s marching band into interpretive…